November 2009

Helping my Child to make Friends

By:
Published November 18th 2009, in Development, Forming Friendships, Social Development

Forming friendships are  a very important part of growing up.  Friendship or the lack there of, can really make of break a child’s experience of school and boost or damage her self esteem. I found as a parent, that I often wonder and worry about the amount and quality of my two daughters’ friendships. We all want our children to be popular and well-liked by other children and their parents – but what can we do to assist our children to become a good friend to others? 

It is very important to realize that all children are unique and that their temperaments differ.  Two children growing up in the same house might differ completely on the introversion-extroversion continuum.  One might be a social butterfly, whilst the other one might always be hiding behind your legs at birthday parties.  We should celebrate their differences and help both of them to learn the necessary social skills they will need in the future and find their own B.F.F.

What can you as a parent do?

  • Teach your child what friendship entails. Children should know what is seen as friendly behavior and what not.  Gossiping is unacceptable and hurtful behavior. In order to maintain friendships, they should continuously work at it. Point out to your child when you notice she is doing something nice for example sharing her lunch with her friend.
  • Do not push your child to be popular. Some children will have many friends and others only few.  At the end of the day it is important for your child to have someone they can confide in and trust completely.

  • Encourage diversity in friendships. I think it is beneficial to children to have friends out of all walks of life.  A child does not have to only have friends in their class at school, there should also be friends at extra-mural activities and other social groupings. You can use your child’s interests to help her meet other children with similar interests.
  • Teach your child how to effectively express herself. When a child knows how to convey her feelings and thoughts effectively, she is able to be open and honest in her friendships.  Point out to her how her attitude and even appearance can either promote social interaction or prevent it.
  • Be a good listener. Listening to your child’s conversations gives you the opportunity to pick up when she is experiencing difficulties in her friendships.
  • Model good friendship behavior. Our children are always watching us.  When we have good friendships and maintain those friendships our children learn from us and copy our behavior. Hospitality is such an important skill to learn and we as parents should strive to always be hospitable – it is not only beneficial to our own friendships, but children learn how to make their friends feel at home and act in a friendly manner.

How can you help your shy child to form friendships?

  • Use every opportunity to build friendships based on what your child finds interesting.
  • Include brothers, sisters, cousins and other potential friends in your child’s daily routine.
  • Organize playdates, but keep them small and short.  Plan ahead and have activities which your child enjoys and is good at.
  • Embrace the latest fad, whether it is silkworms or stickers.  The fad is something that the children will have in common.
  • Be a play date to your child.  This gives you the chance to see how your child plays with other children and also gives you the opportunity to model correct behavior.

Good friendships will boost your child’s confidence and self-esteem, whilst a bad friendship will leave her feeling belittled and down.  As parents we cannot choose our childrens’ friends or interfere with all the fights, but we have to monitor and guide our children for their own benefit.

Dealing with Sibling Rivalry

By:
Published November 13th 2009, in Discipline, Sibling Rivalry

If you have more than one child, or is even just pregnant with a second child, you will know what sibling rivalry is.  Sibling rivalry is the age old jealousy and fighting between brothers and sisters.  In today’s age with reconstituted families – with half and stepbrothers or sisters – we can even notice more conflict in sibling relationships.

I can recall from my relationship with my brother that there are some times when you are just the best of friends and other times when you fight constantly and can hardly stand to be in each others’ company.  Luckily the love was way stronger than the occasional hate and as grown ups we became especially close.  I would like my two daughters to have a similar relationship with each other that they will be able to cherish forever.  The question is though – how do I go about helping them to nurture their relationship?

Reasons for sibling rivalry:

  • Age: Children of different ages generally need  different things, for example a toddler might not be willing to share his toys with a younger sibling or be able to understand that an older sibling have expensive toys that cannot withstand bashing.  The evolution of needs lead to a lack of understanding between brothers and sisters which can eventually end up in a fight.

    • This Side Up Kids Furniture

  • Gender: Boys and girls are different even if we believe in gender equality! Girls might become jealous when Dad constantly plays rough games with her brother but are more gentle with her.  A boy might become jealous of all the time and attention that mommy gives to a little princess’s hair and wardrobe.

    • Home Choice

  • Individual temperaments: We are all born with our own temperaments which might either help us get along with each other or leave us at loggerheads.  A parent might find it easier to get along with one child, which could spark jealousy in the other.
  • Special needs: When one child in a household has special needs – illness, handicap, giftedness, the amount of time and energy spent on this child can reasonably lead to jealousy and resentment in the other ones.
  • Parents as role models: When parents handle conflict by screaming, swearing, hitting and slamming doors we can expect our little ones to handle their sibling conflict in a similar way.  We should try at all times to model good conflict resolution strategies.  It will be good for the marital relationship as well!

How to try and prevent sibling rivalry:

  • Children need to know some ground rules for acceptable behavior.  Rules should be specific for instance: no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling and no door slamming.  It is helpful if children has input into rule-making and also consequences to breaking the rules.
  • When you make sure that you as a parent spend some one-on-one time with each child the potential for jealousy becomes less.
  • Allow your child enough time and space for himself without siblings hanging around constantly. Arranging individual play dates gives your child the chance to play with his peers, while you can dedicate that time to his sibling.

    • Babylite

  • It is really important that children do know that they are loved, safe, important and needed in the family.  Children need reassurance that their needs will be met.
  • Scheduling fun family time gives the children time with the parents in a peaceful environment.  It provides everyone with the opportunity to get equal amounts of attention and social interaction with each other.
  • Do not ever compare your children according to their accomplishments – each one needs to know that they are special and can develop at their own pace.
  • Do not dismiss your child’s resentment or anger.  These are valid emotions and we can teach our children how to express them in such a manner that is productive in the situation.
  • Do not yell, swear, hit, lecture or let the fight escalate into a fight where one or both gets hurt.

How to deal with sibling rivalry when it happens:

  • Do not get involved unless absolutely necessary in order to prevent injury.  Children need to learn how to deal with their own conflicts effectively.  Stepping in every time might lead to a situation where you are seen as the savior or the mediator.
  • When you have to intervene, help them by resolving the crisis with them and not for them.
  • It is wise to separate the children and wait for them to calm down before attempting a resolution.
  • Do not focus on who is to blame for the fight.  Both parties are partly responsible.
  • Try and work out with them a solution that would leave both parties happy.  This can be accomplished with sharing the toys, or if not possible devising a game where they have to take equal turns in handling the specific toy, otherwise a whole new game might be suggested.

I truly hop this information will be of some help.  If you have some other ways of dealing with sibling rivalry, please let us know and we will post the suggestions!

Using Time Out to Discipline Your Child

By:
Published November 10th 2009, in Discipline, Using Time-Out

Since Super Nanny and Nanny 911 been introduced into our households on television, most parents with young children started using time-out as a discipline strategy in their houses.  Unfortunately most parents tend to give up after a while and things go back to the way it was before.  I do believe that time-out is very effective, and the only reason it does not work is because it is extremely hard work for parents to keep up.  It is not just hard work, but also frustrating!  Personally I find that yelling at my daughter for back chatting leaves me feeling better, but unfortunately it does nothing to change her behavior… 

What is the purpose of using time-out?

In my opinion time-out should be used to isolate the child from a rewarding environment, for example watching television, coloring, playing with friends.  The purpose of the isolation is to teach your child that undesirable behavior is not acceptable and will not be rewarded. Time-out is therefore used to decrease undesirable behavior.

Please do not think that time-out will force your child to reflect on what she has done.  That is wishful thinking on our part is parents.  Your child will probably be sitting in time-out wondering how long she still has to sit, what she is going to do afterwards and probably how much she dislikes you!

How do I choose the right “time-out area”?

The area you choose as the time-out area should be easily accessible.  In my house I have an area upstairs and one downstairs.  The reason for the two areas are that I will be able to monitor my girls while they are in time-out and not having to run up and down stairs the whole time.  It is a good idea to have a alarm or other timer visible to your child in order for them to see how much time is left of their time-out.  The areas do not provide stimulation in any form, in other words it is away from the television, away from toys and also pets or other distractions.  I do not believe it should be a room in which you close your child.  Closing a child in a room will eventually lead to fears that will be hard to eradicate later in their lives.

How long should my child’s time-out be?

It is mostly accepted that a child should stay in time-out for as long as their chronological age. Mantality For instance a two year old must stay in for 2 minutes and a five year old for 5 minutes. After 10 years I think that 10 minutes is more than sufficient.  Children with ADHD cannot sit still for long periods of time, I therefore feel that the time can be adjusted for them with the same end result.

So how do I give a time-out?

I believe that you cannot punish every little misbehavior with time-out.  You as a parent should decide which behaviors are really unacceptable and inform your child which behavior will result in a time-out.  When your child is informed of what behavior is not acceptable to you, they make the choice whether they want to deal with the consequences of their behavior or not.

Children, especially younger children, should be reminded that certain behaviors will not be tolerated.  I believe in giving one warning and if the behavior persists then just use the phrase: “Time-out for ….”  In our house usually “Time out for back-chatting”. My children know that there will be no discussion of this and time-out starts immediately.  Every time there is talking, noises, banging, etc. the timer will be reset.

After the time-out has been completed it is good to reassure your child that you still love them and it is the  behavior that is the problem and not them.  This does not have to be a long philosophical discussion, but can be achieved by a simple hug.  It is important though that she knows what she was punished for.  Praise for the desired behavior in the first five minutes really reinforces the desired behavior.

What do I do when I am not at home?

TIme-out is a punishment I use at home and not outside the house.  I found that threatening with a time-out that will take place only when you get home, loses its effectiveness, because the punishment is so far removed from the consequence in time.

The alternative punishments I use when not at home is:

  • Writing out:  Writing out the desired behavior is effective, for example: “I will not talk back to my mother when given an instruction.”  The sentence must be written out 5 times.  If she talks back again she must write it out 7 times, every time 2 sentences are added.  Tomorrow she will start back at 5 again.
  • List of nice things:  My children have a list of nice things they can do, when they disobey one of the items will be removed from the list, after one warning, for the rest of the day.  Just make sure that the punishment does not outweigh the offense.

Good luck – let me know if you have any questions!

When Your Child Refuses to go to School

By:
Published November 5th 2009, in Breastfeeding, School Refusal

As many as one out of four children regularly refuses to go to school.  For 2% of children school refusal becomes a routine problem.  It is extremely frustrating to parents to have to deal with a upset child who does not want to go to school, in the midst of having to get everybody in the house washed, dressed, fed and on time for school. It seems that the more upset and demanding you become, the more reluctant your child becomes.  It becomes a vicious cycle that gets repeated every day of the week.  Weekends truly become something to look forward to!

We expect fears around going to school, when children start going to school for the first time  (5 – 7 years) and again when they have to make the move from primary to secondary school (11 – 14 years).

Why would children refuse to go to school?

  • Many children refuse to go to school, because they fear being separated from their parents.
  • When a parent is ill, they may develop a fear of losing that parent while at school
  • A child might feel overwhelmed at school, not knowing his way around and feeling lost
  • Many children fear that they will be left at school – sometimes due to parents being unreliable and not picking children up on time or keeping simple promises.Are You a Mom? Join CafeMom Today!
  • Children sometimes start to refuse to go to school when parents are separating, have marital problems, divorcing  or constantly arguing.
  • A death of friend or family member, can lead to a child refusing to go to school, because they are reminded of mortality and he fears losing his parents.
  • Moving house can unsettle a child and lead to school refusal.
  • Jealousy of a sibling staying at home can trigger school refusal.  He might believe that his brother gets special treats and are being favored by his mother.
  • When children have no friends they might refuse to go to school
  • Bullies make some children refuse to attend school.
  • Not getting along with teachers or classmates can trigger school refusal.
  • When parents start to worry about school refusal, he starts to believe there is a valid reason for him not attending school.

These are only a couple of reasons a child might mention.

When should I become worried about school refusal?

There are 4 signs of School Phobia which should worry any parent or teacher:

  1. When a child is entirely absent from school.
  2. When a child will attends school, but always leaves sometime during the day before the end of the school day.
  3. When a child goes to school under duress from parents, but goes crying, clinging or throwing tantrums.  This is worrisome if it is still present after an adequate adjustment period of 2 weeks.
  4. When unusual distress is visible to others whilst he is at school.  This distress leads to him begging not to go to school the following day.

Children either internalize or externalize their anxiety about going to school.  The children who internalize their fears become the little worriers who exhibit social anxiety, isolation, depression, fatigue and physical complaints.

The children who externalize their fears, do it by throwing tantrums, showing verbal and physical aggression or show oppositional behavior.

What can be done to help this child?

For children who avoid school because of friends, teachers or anxiety provoking situations can be treated in the following manner:

  • Relaxation training: This will assist the child to lower their levels of anxiousness through different relaxation techniques.
  • Gradual exposure to the school: Gradual exposure to the aspects of schooling that provokes anxiety provides the child to become comfortable one small step at a time.
  • Self-reinforcement: These children need to learn to believe in themselves, they should have multiple experiences of success to boost their self-esteem.

Children who escape school because of uncomfortable peer interaction or poor academic performance, can be helped:

  • Changing negative self-talk: Instead of constantly berating themselves, they should be taught to use self-affirmations.
  • Role play: Parents can role play possible embarrassing situations with their child to show him how to come to a positive ending.
  • Graded exposure: Gradual exposure to tasks involves breaking anxiety provoking tasks into small manageable pieces.  Your child initially only have to greet a classmate, in order to form friendships at a later stage.
  • Social skills training: Knowledge of some basic social skills will help your child to feel empowered and behave appropriately.
  • Problem solving skills: Dealing with conflict effectively can help a child to avoid embarrassment and being the victim of bullies.

125x125_a
Children who avoid school to get attention from their parents or friends, can be helped through:

  • Parent training: Some parents need to be trained not to reward negative behavior with attention and other rewards.
  • Routines: Children feel secure with a set routine.  Set the routine and do not get derailed or bullied to change it.
  • Use rewards and punishments: Reward your child for attending school without a fuss and punish him for refusing to go to school.

Children who receive tangible reinforcement from outside school for instance, if he gets to stay home for the whole day watching television or playing games instead of attending school can be treated in the following manner:

  • Incentive: Parents should increase the incentive for children to attend school.
  • Punishments: Social and other activities should not be allowed if he did not attend school.
  • Conflict management: Parents can benefit from knowing how to deal effectively with conflict with their child.

What is the difference between school refusal and truancy?

The most important difference between school refusal and truancy is that truancy is secretive and the parents are uninvolved in the absenteeism of their child.  Truancy can be motivated by anger, attention from friends or even unaddressed learning difficulties. School refusal is motivated by anxiety and the parents are informed and involved in the situation.

Help my blog? Shop here: My friends at Peapod will give you $10 in FREE groceries if you click here and shop with them.

Please don't go!

By:
Published November 3rd 2009, in Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety is not only painful to your child, but also painful to the parent.  Most parents will be able to recall some instance where their child was extremely clingy and tearful at the prospect of their mom or dad leaving them somewhere or with someone that suddenly became a baby monster.  The reason why it is so easy for all parents to recall, is because it is a normal part of development in your child’s life.

In the first couple of months of a baby’s life your baby does not differentiate in whose arms she is, the only important thing is that they are loving and meeting her immediate needs.  From
Find a babysitter at Sittercity.com month 7 to 14 , your baby starts to understand the concept of object permanence.  This means that even when Mommy leaves the room for only a couple of seconds; baby fears that she has disappeared forever.  Children at this age do not have the concept of time which makes it difficult to even leave for a second without tears flowing. During the toddler years , our children usually becomes very anxious at the prospect of us leaving them, but luckily can be easily distracted by activities to stop crying. Usually when you go around the corner of the classroom, she is happily building a puzzle or playing with a friend. Tears usually come again when you pick your child up and they are reminded of the fact that you left them. After the age of 5 years , children usually have bonded securely with their parents and trust them to return when they are dropped off at school or left with a babysitter.

Separation anxiety shows itself in different ways.  You might recognize some of these:

  • Crying and whining
  • Clinging
  • Shyness
  • Silence and unwillingness to talk to other caregivers.

Separation anxiety can be triggered by traumatic events like a sibling’s birth, moving of house, changing of schools or even a simple change in daily routine.

When does normal developmental separation anxiety turn into Separation Anxiety Disorder?

  • When a child still reacts with the same intensity when separated from caregivers, even though she has reached the age (5+) where you would not expect it from her.
  • Her anxiety and crying is excesssive.
  • When she fears that something bad will happen to her parents when she is away from them.
  • When panic symptoms are present, for example heart palpitations, sweating, dizziness, etc.
  • Nightmares are present that are about being separated from her parents.
  • When an older child still have a fear of sleeping alone.
  • When a child becomes worried about being lost, kidnapped or having to go to events without her parents.
  • Physical symptoms in anticipation of separation like headaches and stomach aches are worrisome.
  • School refusal because of not wanting to be separated is an important indicator.

What are the effects of Separation Anxiety Disorder on the development of a child?

Separation Anxiety Disorder can have a serious impact on future relationships of a child.  These children are unwilling to enter into normal settings where friendships and also teacher-child relationships can develop.  Isolation is a very real threat to children and they can become detached from others. Isolation and detachment can lead to related disorders like agoraphobia, panic disorder and school phobia.

What are the risks for your child to develop Separation Anxiety Disorder?

  • A scary event that your child heard of experienced may entrench her fear of being separated fro her parents.
  • Serious or long term separation from parents (parent in military) can contribute to SAD.
  • Significant change in the child’s life for example divorce can pose a risk for developing SAD.
  • Constant and tangible stress in the family.
  • Illness of a parent, sibling or the child self.
  • An extremely close-knit family constitutes a risk factor.
  • Children that are temperamentally fearful and withdrawn or passive and shy stand a higher chance of developing SAD.
  • Insecure caregiver-child attachment can lead to SAD, because the child never learns that they can trust the person who is supposed to care of them.

Treatment options for Separation Anxiety Disorder :

  • Cognitive Behavior Therapy
  • Family Therapy
  • Play Therapy
  • Bibliotherapy and
  • The teaching of relaxation techniques and bio-feedback.

The development of Separation Anxiety Disorder cannot always be prevented, but parents can start early to help their child go through this developmental phase painlessly:

  1. Time separations to be at times when your child’s basic needs are met, for instance after a meal or a nap.
  2. Practice with your child to be separated for short periods from you – let the babysitter sit with her while you leave the room for a couple of minutes at a time.
  3. Stay calm and be consistent in your reactions to your child when she is fearful of you leaving. If you become emotional it will only lead to her mood escalating.
  4. If you promise to be back at a certain time, ALWAYS make sure you keep your promises.  This teaches your child that you are trustworthy.
  5. Try to introduce your child to the babysitter before leaving her for the first time and also make sure that she knows the environment that she will be left in.
  6. It is always good to have a goodbye-ritual.  It can consist of a hug, a kiss and a wave.  Rituals make life predictable and safe.
  7. With older children you must acknowledge their feelings and remind them of their previous successes.
  8. Stories of children being able to overcome their fears of being left alone provides role models for children.
  9. Always plan ahead and prepare your child for the separation.  Surprises upsets children and make them feel vulnerable.