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Help your Child Adjust to Divorce

By:
Published January 18th 2011, in Divorced Parenting, Parenting

Divorce signals the end of a marriage where former spouses continue on different paths into their separate futures.  When there are children born in the marriage, things tend to become a little more complicated.  You can become single again, but you will always remain a parent.  Divorce therefore means that the parental team is split up with one parent having to operate mostly off site.  Divorced parents find them in a position where they have to parent apart, but still together.

Every phase of divorce will not only challenge the adults, but also put children in a position where they have to adjust to a new ideas and routines:

  • Emotional Divorce: Emotional divorce takes place when the decision is made to get a divorce.  Parents usually know when divorce becomes inevitable, but for most young children this might come as a complete shock.
  • Legal Divorce: This is when the couple part ways and start their new separate lives.
  • Economic Divorce: For most couples readjusting after divorce means a drop in income with the resulting change in lifestyle.
  • C0-parenting Divorce: This is the phase of divorce where parents and children have to come to terms with the demands of divorced parenting.
  • Community Divorce: Community divorce is the phase where parents and children lose friendships due to their new status as a divorcee.
  • Psychic Divorce: This is the stage where the former married person adjusts to not being married anymore.  This mental shift in the parents affects children in different ways .

There is no clear timeline for the different phases of divorce, some can happen simultaneously and some not at all.

Telling the children about the impending divorce is probably one of the most difficult tasks to perform.  No matter what the age of the child, it remains a traumatic event for both parents and child alike.  The following should be taken into consideration:

  • Children should only be told of the divorce once the final decision is made.
  • Children should be told with both parents present – if one parent has a better relationship with the children she should be informing the children.
  • It is important that no blame is allocated to one parent and that the children are not expected to choose sides.  Children should be told that even though their parents are getting divorced, they are not getting divorced from either parent.
  • Children should be told about the divorce where there is no time limit on the amount of time parents have available to the children. Children will feel confused and sad and need adults at hand to answer their questions and give consolation.
  • A child will worry about how his life will change – try to create realistic expectations about what the future will hold for him.
  • Of utmost importance is to assure your child of your continued love for him and that he is not to blame for the divorce.

A child’s reaction to this news will differ according to age, gender and history of coping with stress.

  • Younger children will probably experience divorce as more confusing and react more out due to the upset in their normal routine.  Pre-adolescent and adolescent children usually turn to their peers and tend to repress their feeling around the divorce.
  • The more severe the drop in socio-economic status, the harder it is for children to adjust to post divorce life.
  • The more the child is drawn into the marital conflict the more confusion, frustration, anger and loyalty conflict he will experience.
  • If the parent-child relationship was bad before the divorce, it will probably deteriorate even more after divorce.
  • The more conflict over parenting issues, the harder it will be for your child to adjust successfully to his new life.
  • The more continued conflict between the parents the more the child will experience emotional distress which will hamper his adjustment.
  • When one or both of the parents get remarried and start new families, it might leave your child wondering exactly where he is supposed to fit in.  If one parent moves on with his/her life and spend less time with the child, the child might be mourning the perceived loss of that parent.

The most beneficial tool a divorcing couple can implement is ACTIVE LISTENING.  Active listening involves not only listening to the words your child uses, but also to what is not being said and the emotions behind it.  Most children experience anger, confusion, guilt and depression as a reaction to divorce and these emotions should be addressed in order to help with his adjustment to a new home environment, social environment and school functioning.

Children with Pets

By:
Published January 13th 2011, in Owning Pets, Parenting

You have lost the battle.  You have surrendered, because even as parents we do not ever lose that fluttering inside at the thought of having a puppy or kitten. It is that “awwww” feeling we get when we see babies of all different species!

There are many advantages for a child to own a pet.  Having to look after a pet – feeding, grooming and playing with him, teaches a child responsibility. A pet teaches a child how to behave appropriately towards the puppy or kitten and to allow others to also play with it.  In other words children learn socially acceptable behavior and tend to share more easily.  A pet can become a confidant, privy to their innermost secrets and fears.  These children learn to trust others and be as loyal as man’s best friend is to them.

Pets teach children some very important life lessons – for instance how to deal with birth, death and illness.  It establishes a connection and respect for nature.

These advantages are real and we do think of them over and over again, trying to reinforce the goodness of animals in your child’s life, especially when you have to clean up the puddle on the kitchen floor…

The realities of owning a pet includes:

  • Food . Any animal deserves the best food available and this comes at a cost.  Whether you buy specially designed pet food or cook the food yourself – it is not free!
  • Grooming . All animals need grooming, you need the right tools and time to take care of it.
  • Exercise . You need the time and space to ensure that your pet gets sufficient exercise and play time with you.
  • Animals grow up . All puppies and kittens grow into mature dogs and cats.  Be sure that you are willing to take care of the needs of a grown animal.  In other words when the cuteness factor diminishes you have to love and respect your maturing animal.
  • Spaying or neutering . If you do not want to end up being the local pet shop, you have to consider spaying your cat or dog. Seeing the amount of homeless pets, I think it is the responsible thing to do, although it will cost you in vet bills.
  • The bucket stops at you . At the end of the day, despite all the promises your child made, you have to ensure that the pet is taken care of.  Children do need reminding and supervision when it comes to taking care of a pet.  You have to teach your child to respect your pet, how to handle him and in which ways his physical needs have to be met.

Enjoy the wonder of nature and use your beloved pet to teach your child about life, love and respect.

How Many Activities are too Many?

By:
Published November 23rd 2010, in Extracurricular Activities, Parenting

As we are ending off the year’s extracurricular activities for our children – we are giving a sigh of relief.  We are tired of playing glorified chauffeur and our children are falling over from exhaustion.  This year we had to juggle time slots for ballet, piano, softball, netball, drama and horse riding for my two girls. Before committing to some new and some old activities for next year, I decided to rethink how many activities are enough for my children and how many are too many for me.

By allowing no activities would be like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Extracurricular activities hold certain benefits for your child.  Firstly it has been shown that activities outside school make children less prone to negative peer pressure and increases their self-esteem.  It has been shown to boost academic performance, because it gives the child a sense of achievement.  Some activities, especially sport, help children with the release of frustration in a healthy way.  Social skills develop and can get honed in extracurricular activities.  Your child gets the opportunity to discover their talents, abilities and interests.

Too many activities, though, can lead to increased stress and anxiety levels.  Children who are constantly busy with structured activities experience more physical ailments than children who have enough free time. Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld believes that we as parents fall into the trap of overscheduling our children’s free time.  He says that our children fall victim to our “hyper-parenting”.  We are so scared that our children will lose out on opportunities, or not learn certain skills, or fall behind their peers that we cave into parent peer pressure. Children need free time to play, relax, read and spend time with their family. Our children have become so overscheduled that given the opportunity to do anything with their free time they do not know how to keep themselves busy.

Points to consider when deciding on extracurricular activities:

  • We have to set limits to the amount of activities allowed.
  • Allow your child to be involved in the decision making process.
  • Consider the social, emotional and physical skills that your child can learn from this activity.
  • Is the activity age appropriate?
  • Most importantly – does your child enjoy this activity on a regular basis?
  • Give your child enough time to be unproductive.
  • Realize that there are no one correct way to parent your child.  We do not have to push our child to keep up with all the activities the Jones child is doing.
  • Keep a look out for signs of stress in your child. A stressed child do not have enough down time to recuperate.
  • As a rule of thumb one activity per afternoon is more than enough.
  • Homework must always remain priority one and should not suffer due to outside obligations.
  • Both parent and child should get enough rest to function properly throughout a week.

Remember that as a parent you have the right to put your foot down if you feel that your child is taking on too much, or that it is not affordable or even if the carting around to all the different activities is too much for you.  Your child will one day remember family moments fondly – not rushing around from one thing to the next.

How to Deal with Back Chatting

By:
Published November 15th 2010, in Discipline, Parenting, Talking Back

Back chatting is probably an universal parental irritant.  It infuriates parents all over the globe every day. We see it as an undermining of our authority, whilst it is actually an assertion of your child’s independence.  Again, a milestone for our child, which feels like it is throwing everything that you achieved disciplinary wise up to now, upside down. You graduate from temper tantrums to only face back chatting soon…

How can we deal effectively with our children talking back to us?

  1. It is important to remember the power of modeling behavior. If you consistently speak to your child the way you want her to speak to you, it will become easier for your child to imitate good communication skills.
  2. It is important that both you and your child have the same understanding of what it means to “back chat”.  I think back chatting consists of two components.  The first component is repeating. This is when your child repeats the same request over and over again, despite the fact that you have already given your answer.  The second component is complaining.  Complaining about the answer or instruction you have given also counts as back chatting.
  3. As a parent you have to be able to ignore requests to change your answer.  If you give in to back chatting your child has won the battle, and will in future carry on until you give in again.
  4. Positive communication and acceptance of instructions and answers should consistently be praised.  Ensure that the positive attention starts to outweigh the negative attention that follows on back chatting.

We live in a society where we expect our children to express themselves as individuals, to give opinions and debate issues – we therefore cannot expect of them to behave differently in the house.  This does not mean that they can determine their own rules or not listen to us as parents, we are after all the authority bearers in the house.  I believe that parents should be willing to hear a child’s reasons for not agreeing with an answer or instruction out completely, before making a final determination.  As parents, we should also be big enough to admit and reconsider when our child’s arguments are valid and we find we did not think our answer through completely.  Lastly, we should have the determination to stick consistently to a well deserved “no”.

Certain rules should be adhered to when going into a discussion around a decision:

  • If your child is not happy with a decision, they are not allowed to become rude in any way what so ever.
  • No screaming, yelling and name calling is allowed under any circumstances.
  • Everyone should be allowed to finish their sentences.
  • No sarcasm is allowed from any party.
  • When the parent says that it is the end of the discussion, no more arguments or complaining will be tolerated.

Tips for dealing with back chatting:

  • Stop the conversation as soon as your child becomes disrespectful.  Walk away, come back later and enforce the consequences of talking back to you as parent.
  • Consequences can be time-out, fines, revoking of privileges or toys, etc.
  • Explain to your child why certain phrases are disrespectful – we should not automatically assume they understand phrases in the same manner as we do.
  • Sometimes it is helpful to give a choice, but then you have to refrain from allowing a third option.
  • Consequences of repeated back chatting should increase in seriousness.

Teaching your child these principles in the home, will benefit her in school, friendships, relationships and future employment.  Good luck, nobody said it was going to be easy!

Preparing your Child for Big School

Key tips to helping kids adjust

By:
Published October 27th 2010, in Education, Primary School

Having to make the change from preschool or nursery school to primary school can be a pretty scary prospect to a six year old.  Many six year olds become very anxious at the thought of now having to conform to the rules and expectations set by the school. My daughter expressed her fear of not being able to sit still for long enough and also not having time to play with her friends.  How can we as parents help our child to make this transitions as smooth as possible?

I believe the most important way to prepare a youngster for school is to take the unknown out of the equation.

  • Meeting the teacher before hand as well as seeing the classroom will make it more familiar on the first day of school.
  • A primary school is very big to a six year old, explain that it takes time to get to know the school and that her teacher will help them in the beginning until they know their way around the school.
  • Explain to her what they will do during a normal school day, it might be useful to get an older sibling to help explain to her what to expect.
  • Explain that there will be  two breaks in the day when they can play outside.
  • Tell her when assembly takes place, where it takes place, who will be there and what they will be doing during this time.
  • Tell her that they will sometimes go to other classes like the computer centre, the music centre and the library.
  • Assure her that you (or someone she knows well) will be there to pick her up at the end of the school day.

Give your child the opportunity to ask questions and take time to answer them in full.

Give your child the chance to participate in the build up to the first day of school.  Let her be there when you buy the school uniform, stationery and other essentials.  Allow her to choose her lunch box and bottle.

First day of school only comes once in a life time and we should emphasize that everything they do at school will be enjoyable!

A School Readiness Checklist

By:
Published September 21st 2010, in Education, Primary School

In South Africa, children can start “big” school when they are 5 years old, provided that they turn 6 before the end of June the same year.  Most children start Grade 1 the year they turn 7.  Unfortunately we cannot only judge if my child is school ready by age, my child’s development should be on par with the development of other children of the same age. When we talk about development we have to look at the different aspects thereof: emotional, social, physical, intellectual and language development should be considered before deciding that she is ready to get into a uniform and attend school.

We expect the following skills from a child that should be able to cope in a public school classroom:

Language Development:

  • She should know some nursery rhymes
  • Can use expressive and receptive language
  • Can follow instructions
  • Able to produce the different sounds of a language, in other words have command of a language
  • Can put sentences together to make herself understood
  • Able to take turns in a conversation.

Pre-reading Skills:

  • Can name basic colours
  • Know the letters of the alphabet
  • Know the names and sounds of letters
  • Be able to recognize their written name
  • Have print awareness (She knows how to hold a book and that we read from left to right)
  • Have an interest in books and reading.

Cognitive Skills:

  • Understand the concept of size – bigger and smaller
  • Know opposites
  • Can build jigsaw puzzles
  • Can master sequencing cards
  • Can pay attention and plan the execution of an activity
  • Know different shapes
  • Can copy patterns
  • Know position in space – above, below, in front, behind, etc.
  • Can persist in challenging task
  • Able to categorize objects
  • Have a degree of intellectual curiosity.

Numeracy:

  • Can count up to at least 10
  • Understand the concepts of counting, sorting and grouping
  • Know the different times of day – morning, afternoon and night

Social Skills:

  • Knows how to ask for something
  • Can share
  • Can take turns
  • Able to listen quietly
  • Can relate appropriately to adults and peers.

Physical Skills:

  • Can use the bathroom on her own
  • Can blow her nose
  • Can wash her hands
  • Able to catch and throw a ball
  • Can balance on 1 foot for a certain time
  • Able to walk up and down stairs
  • Able to use scissors, pencils and crayons
  • Able to stack blocks
  • Can hop
  • Can use a knife and fork to eat
  • Able to cross her midline.

Emotional Skills:

  • Can ask for help
  • Realize that she cannot always get her own way
  • Able to manage anger and frustration
  • Can work independently
  • Can cope with criticism and failure
  • Able to separate from a caregiver
  • Able to effectively express her feelings and needs
  • Hold her own in a group activity
  • Able to postpone the need for immediate gratification.

This checklist should give you an indication if your child is school ready.

A child’s first year in school is extremely important, because it is the first building block for the following 11 years. I believe that it is important that it should be a positive experience, where the child is adequately equipped to manage in the classroom, with many success experiences. When they are able to do something, it becomes enjoyable to do it.

Good luck for Grade 1!

Understanding the Apgar Score

By:
Published September 14th 2010, in Apgar Score, Development

Your baby receives an Apgar score at one minute and at 5 minutes after birth.  This score determines how doctors will treat your baby from that moment on to ensure that he gets the best medical care possible.

The higher the score out of a possible 10, the better is your baby’s general health condition. The score usually changes from the first to the second rating.  Doctors look at the following:

Appearance/ Color :

  • 0 = blue or pale
  • 1 = body is pink, limbs are blue
  • 2 = completely pink

Respiratory Effort:

  • 0 = absent
  • 1 = slow, irregular, weak cry
  • 2 = strong cry

Heart Rate:

  • 0 = absent
  • 1 = slow, less than 100
  • 2 = over 100

Muscle Tone:

  • 0 = limp
  • 1 = some bending of the limbs
  • 2 = active movement

Reflex Response to Flicking Foot:

  • 0 = absent
  • 1 = facial grimace
  • 2 = cry

A baby who scores 7 or higher on the first scoring is considered in good health. A low score however is not necessarily an indication that your baby is unhealthy, it may just indicate that he needs some immediate special care, for example suctioning. The majority of babies score 7 or higher at the 5 minute scoring.

Remember this scoring is no indication of your baby’s long term health.  It is just a tool for doctors to decide how to treat your baby.

Month 3: Milestones

By:
Published September 9th 2010, in Month 3

When your baby is three months old, she should be able to:

  • Lift her head 45 degrees when she is lying on her stomach.

She will probably be able to:

  • Laugh out loud
  • Lift her head 90 degrees when she is on her tummy
  • Squeal when happy
  • Bring hand together
  • Smile spontaneously at you
  • Follow an object held about 15 cm above her face and moved 180 degrees, from one side to the other whilst watching all the way.

She may possibly be able to:

  • Hold her head up when lifted up
  • Raise her chest, supported by her arms , when on her tummy
  • Roll over
  • Grasp a rattle
  • Pay attention to very small objects.

She may even be able to:

  • Bear some weight on her legs when held up
  • Reach for a toy
  • Keep her head level with her body when she is pulled into a sitting position
  • Turn her head in the direction of a voice
  • Make vowel-consonant sounds
  • Razz – that is wet razzing sound.

Month 2: Milestones

By:
Published September 7th 2010, in Month 2

Always remember that your baby’s rate of development is normal for your baby – you will cause yourself much distress by constantly comparing your baby to other babies in your friendship group. Remember as well that the skills babies perform from the tummy position can only be mastered if they get the opportunity to practice these skills.

By month 2 your baby should be able to:

  • Smile in response to your smile
  • Respond to a bell in some way for instance being startled, crying or quieting.

She will probably be able to:

  • Vocalize in more ways than just crying
  • When on her tummy she can lift her head 45 degrees.

She may even be able to:

  • Hold her head upright when picked up
  • When on her tummy raise her chest supported by her arms
  • Roll over (one way)
  • Grasp a rattle with finger tips
  • Pay attention to small items
  • Reach for an object
  • Make vowel-consonant combinations for example “ah-goo”

She may possibly be able to:

  • Smile spontaneously
  • Bring her hands together
  • Lift her head 90 degrees when on her tummy
  • Laugh out loud
  • Squeal in delight
  • Follow an object with her eyes about 15 cm above her head when it is moved 180 degrees.

Month 1: Milestones

By:
Published September 6th 2010, in Month 1

If we look at what a baby should be able to master within her first month, we should remember that babies develop at different rates and that how quickly a baby reaches her milestones is not an indication of a more intelligent baby.  Babies who are born prematurely might reach the milestones later than their counterparts.

During the first month it is extremely important to give baby enough supervised playtime on her tummy.  This gives her ample opportunity to strengthen the different muscles that will help her to sit, crawl and walk.

Baby should be able to:

  • She should be able to lift her head briefly when put on her tummy on a flat surface.
  • She should be able to focus on your face.

Baby would probably be able to:

  • Respond to a bell by either being startled, crying or quieting.

Baby could possibly be able to:

  • Lift her head 45 degrees when on her tummy.
  • Vocalize by other means than crying (Eg. cooing)
  • Smile in response to your smile.

Baby might be able to:

  • Lift her head up 90 degrees.
  • Hold her head steady when held upright.
  • Bring both hands together.
  • Smile spontaneously.
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