Back chatting is probably an universal parental irritant.  It infuriates parents all over the globe every day. We see it as an undermining of our authority, whilst it is actually an assertion of your child’s independence.  Again, a milestone for our child, which feels like it is throwing everything that you achieved disciplinary wise up to now, upside down. You graduate from temper tantrums to only face back chatting soon…

How can we deal effectively with our children talking back to us?

1. It is important to remember the power of modeling behavior. If you consistently speak to your child the way you want her to speak to you, it will become easier for your child to imitate good communication skills.
2. It is important that both you and your child have the same understanding of what it means to “back chat”.  I think back chatting consists of two components.  The first component is repeating. This is when your child repeats the same request over and over again, despite the fact that you have already given your answer.  The second component is complaining.  Complaining about the answer or instruction you have given also counts as back chatting.
3. As a parent you have to be able to ignore requests to change your answer.  If you give in to back chatting your child has won the battle, and will in future carry on until you give in again.
4. Positive communication and acceptance of instructions and answers should consistently be praised.  Ensure that the positive attention starts to outweigh the negative attention that follows on back chatting.

We live in a society where we expect our children to express themselves as individuals, to give opinions and debate issues – we therefore cannot expect of them to behave differently in the house.  This does not mean that they can determine their own rules or not listen to us as parents, we are after all the authority bearers in the house.  I believe that parents should be willing to hear a child’s reasons for not agreeing with an answer or instruction out completely, before making a final determination.  As parents, we should also be big enough to admit and reconsider when our child’s arguments are valid and we find we did not think our answer through completely.  Lastly, we should have the determination to stick consistently to a well deserved “no”.

Certain rules should be adhered to when going into a discussion around a decision:

• If your child is not happy with a decision, they are not allowed to become rude in any way what so ever.
• No screaming, yelling and name calling is allowed under any circumstances.
• Everyone should be allowed to finish their sentences.
• No sarcasm is allowed from any party.
• When the parent says that it is the end of the discussion, no more arguments or complaining will be tolerated.

Tips for dealing with back chatting:

• Stop the conversation as soon as your child becomes disrespectful.  Walk away, come back later and enforce the consequences of talking back to you as parent.
• Consequences can be time-out, fines, revoking of privileges or toys, etc.
• Explain to your child why certain phrases are disrespectful – we should not automatically assume they understand phrases in the same manner as we do.
• Sometimes it is helpful to give a choice, but then you have to refrain from allowing a third option.
• Consequences of repeated back chatting should increase in seriousness.

Teaching your child these principles in the home, will benefit her in school, friendships, relationships and future employment.  Good luck, nobody said it was going to be easy!

Most of us think: “I was spanked as a child, and I turned out ok.” Many people smoke for years without contracting lung cancer, they are exceptions. Dr. Kazden says that this does not refute the fact that cigarettes are harmful to your lungs.

“There is a good deal of research that has already been conducted that shows that anything beyond very mild physical punishment does not work in the long term and has negative consequences. While not all child development experts agree, my advice to parents is to avoid physical punishment altogether; there are simply more effective ways to teach and discipline your child.”

The alternative methods he suggests is using positive reinforcement as a discipline strategy. Positive reinforcement does not only focus on the “bad” behavior, but takes into consideration the events that go before the behavior as well as the consequences.

Dr. Kazden is quick to agree that he does not believe that all forms of physical punishment should be seen as abuse. Everything should be seen in context and severity and frequency should be taken into consideration before someone jumps to conclusions.

Read more about  Positive reinforement.

Sulking or pouting is a silent temper tantrum.  You can spot the lip from a thousand miles. I have reached the point where I actually spot the downwards turn of the lip as I utter the word “NO” .  Usually the lip is accompanied by a stomping of the foot and an abrupt 180 degree turn.  Have you ever noticed that a sulking child will never go out of our sight.  They hang around to punish us for not giving them their way. 

Have you ever wondered why your child continuously sulks at home, but no teacher or friend’s parents ever notice this behavior? They think it is only their children who sulk! Children do not sulk at school, because they know that it will not change the situation, they will not get their way, sulking does not get reinforced at school. 

I have found that children coming from very strict homes, where the parents are over- controlling sulk because they are not allowed to verbally express that they are unhappy with the situation. On the other hand, children coming from homes where the parents are very permissive, use sulking plainly because it works…  Somewhere in between we have to find a way to deal with the ugly habit of sulking.

There are three ways of dealing with sulking:

• Making a rule against sulking. It takes time to teach your child not to sulk, by making a rule that they are not allowed in your personal space when they sulk, you take away their ability to punish you.  They soon learn that it is silly to still sulk when they cannot see you and you cannot see them.
• No consequences. When you do not respond to sulking by blaming, accusing or trying to reason with your child, you take the incentive to sulk away.  In other words you do not give your child her way and she is also not rewarded with attention, even though it might be negative attention. Ignoring “the poor little me” act will lead to the habit dwindling very soon.
• Visual cues . A technique that might work with younger children is to call her name, mimic her downward facing lip and use your fingers to turn your sulk into a smile.  I did say younger children, because I tried it with my 8 year old and she did not find it amusing at all!

As a parent you need willpower to deal with sulking.  To give in to one act of sulking, is to start the whole process of getting rid of sulking all over again.  You have to teach your child that they have to use their words to deal with unpleasant situations and sometimes just to accept that life does not revolve around them.

Good luck!

I can recall from my relationship with my brother that there are some times when you are just the best of friends and other times when you fight constantly and can hardly stand to be in each others’ company.  Luckily the love was way stronger than the occasional hate and as grown ups we became especially close.  I would like my two daughters to have a similar relationship with each other that they will be able to cherish forever.  The question is though – how do I go about helping them to nurture their relationship?

Reasons for sibling rivalry:

• Age: Children of different ages generally need  different things, for example a toddler might not be willing to share his toys with a younger sibling or be able to understand that an older sibling have expensive toys that cannot withstand bashing.  The evolution of needs lead to a lack of understanding between brothers and sisters which can eventually end up in a fight.



• Gender: Boys and girls are different even if we believe in gender equality! Girls might become jealous when Dad constantly plays rough games with her brother but are more gentle with her.  A boy might become jealous of all the time and attention that mommy gives to a little princess’s hair and wardrobe.



• Individual temperaments: We are all born with our own temperaments which might either help us get along with each other or leave us at loggerheads.  A parent might find it easier to get along with one child, which could spark jealousy in the other.
• Special needs: When one child in a household has special needs – illness, handicap, giftedness, the amount of time and energy spent on this child can reasonably lead to jealousy and resentment in the other ones.
• Parents as role models: When parents handle conflict by screaming, swearing, hitting and slamming doors we can expect our little ones to handle their sibling conflict in a similar way.  We should try at all times to model good conflict resolution strategies.  It will be good for the marital relationship as well!

How to try and prevent sibling rivalry:

• Children need to know some ground rules for acceptable behavior.  Rules should be specific for instance: no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling and no door slamming.  It is helpful if children has input into rule-making and also consequences to breaking the rules.
• When you make sure that you as a parent spend some one-on-one time with each child the potential for jealousy becomes less.
• Allow your child enough time and space for himself without siblings hanging around constantly. Arranging individual play dates gives your child the chance to play with his peers, while you can dedicate that time to his sibling.



• It is really important that children do know that they are loved, safe, important and needed in the family.  Children need reassurance that their needs will be met.
• Scheduling fun family time gives the children time with the parents in a peaceful environment.  It provides everyone with the opportunity to get equal amounts of attention and social interaction with each other.
• Do not ever compare your children according to their accomplishments – each one needs to know that they are special and can develop at their own pace.
• Do not dismiss your child’s resentment or anger.  These are valid emotions and we can teach our children how to express them in such a manner that is productive in the situation.
• Do not yell, swear, hit, lecture or let the fight escalate into a fight where one or both gets hurt.

How to deal with sibling rivalry when it happens:

• Do not get involved unless absolutely necessary in order to prevent injury.  Children need to learn how to deal with their own conflicts effectively.  Stepping in every time might lead to a situation where you are seen as the savior or the mediator.
• When you have to intervene, help them by resolving the crisis with them and not for them.
• It is wise to separate the children and wait for them to calm down before attempting a resolution.
• Do not focus on who is to blame for the fight.  Both parties are partly responsible.
• Try and work out with them a solution that would leave both parties happy.  This can be accomplished with sharing the toys, or if not possible devising a game where they have to take equal turns in handling the specific toy, otherwise a whole new game might be suggested.

I truly hop this information will be of some help.  If you have some other ways of dealing with sibling rivalry, please let us know and we will post the suggestions!

What is the purpose of using time-out?

In my opinion time-out should be used to isolate the child from a rewarding environment, for example watching television, coloring, playing with friends.  The purpose of the isolation is to teach your child that undesirable behavior is not acceptable and will not be rewarded. Time-out is therefore used to decrease undesirable behavior.

Please do not think that time-out will force your child to reflect on what she has done.  That is wishful thinking on our part is parents.  Your child will probably be sitting in time-out wondering how long she still has to sit, what she is going to do afterwards and probably how much she dislikes you!

How do I choose the right “time-out area”?

The area you choose as the time-out area should be easily accessible.  In my house I have an area upstairs and one downstairs.  The reason for the two areas are that I will be able to monitor my girls while they are in time-out and not having to run up and down stairs the whole time.  It is a good idea to have a alarm or other timer visible to your child in order for them to see how much time is left of their time-out.  The areas do not provide stimulation in any form, in other words it is away from the television, away from toys and also pets or other distractions.  I do not believe it should be a room in which you close your child.  Closing a child in a room will eventually lead to fears that will be hard to eradicate later in their lives.

How long should my child’s time-out be?

It is mostly accepted that a child should stay in time-out for as long as their chronological age. For instance a two year old must stay in for 2 minutes and a five year old for 5 minutes. After 10 years I think that 10 minutes is more than sufficient.  Children with ADHD cannot sit still for long periods of time, I therefore feel that the time can be adjusted for them with the same end result.

So how do I give a time-out?

I believe that you cannot punish every little misbehavior with time-out.  You as a parent should decide which behaviors are really unacceptable and inform your child which behavior will result in a time-out.  When your child is informed of what behavior is not acceptable to you, they make the choice whether they want to deal with the consequences of their behavior or not.

Children, especially younger children, should be reminded that certain behaviors will not be tolerated.  I believe in giving one warning and if the behavior persists then just use the phrase: “Time-out for ….”  In our house usually “Time out for back-chatting”. My children know that there will be no discussion of this and time-out starts immediately.  Every time there is talking, noises, banging, etc. the timer will be reset.

After the time-out has been completed it is good to reassure your child that you still love them and it is the  behavior that is the problem and not them.  This does not have to be a long philosophical discussion, but can be achieved by a simple hug.  It is important though that she knows what she was punished for.  Praise for the desired behavior in the first five minutes really reinforces the desired behavior.

What do I do when I am not at home?

TIme-out is a punishment I use at home and not outside the house.  I found that threatening with a time-out that will take place only when you get home, loses its effectiveness, because the punishment is so far removed from the consequence in time.

The alternative punishments I use when not at home is:

• Writing out:  Writing out the desired behavior is effective, for example: “I will not talk back to my mother when given an instruction.”  The sentence must be written out 5 times.  If she talks back again she must write it out 7 times, every time 2 sentences are added.  Tomorrow she will start back at 5 again.
• List of nice things:  My children have a list of nice things they can do, when they disobey one of the items will be removed from the list, after one warning, for the rest of the day.  Just make sure that the punishment does not outweigh the offense.

Good luck – let me know if you have any questions!

As I explained, oppositional behavior is expected at certain times during a child’s development. But many parents ask the question: “When is my child’s behavior not just a symptom of growing up? When should I worry about this behavior that is making the family’s life unbearable?”

Oppositional behavior becomes a problem when he is frequently and consistently defiant of authority and his behavior is worse that that of his peers.  It becomes a problem when his behavior affects his social, family and academic life. Children who suffer from Oppositional Defiant Disorder have an ongoing pattern of uncooperative, defiant and hostile behavior when it comes to authority figures.

Symptoms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder:

• Frequent tantrums
• Excessive arguing with adults
• Always questioning the rules
• Active defiance and refusal to comply with requests and rules
• Deliberate attempts to annoy and upset others
• Blaming others for their mistakes or misbehavior
• “Touchy”, over sensitive and easily annoyed by others
• Frequent anger and resentment
• Mean and hateful speech when they are upset
• Spiteful attitude
• Seeking revenge.

These symptoms have to be present in multiple setting in order for your child to be diagnosed as Oppositional Defiant.

Will my child become Oppositional Defiant?

Early signs of oppositional defiant behavior is when infants are very fussy, colicky and difficult to soothe.  Power struggles ensue over eating, sleeping and potty training. These children throw many temper tantrums in an attempt to change their parents’ behavior.

When they get older you will find that the child consistently dawdle and procrastinate when it comes to tasks and requests.  They often claim to not have heard your request. Older children will turn homework, keeping their room clean, picking toys up and bathing into a battle field, and they will do almost anything to end up as the winner. You will find that this child talks back and interrupts conversations.

What causes Oppositional Defiant Disorder?

The jury is still out on this issue, but we generally agree that it is a combination of genetics and environment.

1. A circular family dynamic is common in the households from which children with ODD comes. These children who are temperamentally inclined to be difficult and easily angered cause frustration for the parents. Being frustrated with their child they start expecting certain reactions when they request things. Anticipating a negative response from their child they become unresponsive parents, leaving the child feeling helpless, needy and frustrated.
2. These children find that negative attention is better than no attention at all.  They annoy their parents on purpose just to get a reaction from them.
3. Parents with children with ODD are often inconsistent when disciplining their child. Today he is allowed to put his feet on the table, but tomorrow it is unacceptable.  Inconsistent parenting leads to a child feeling unsafe and unsure of rules.

How can I help my child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder?

There is no medication that can change oppositional defiant behavior.  Medication can, though be given to children with ODD to help them cope with the co-morbid  conditions of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Learning Disorders. Many children with ODD also suffer from debilitating Depression that can be effectively treated with medication.

Parent Management Training helps parents change their own behavior which in turn can alter their child’s negative behavior.  Parents often need training to rather focus on their child’s pro-social behavior instead of giving negative attention. Ineffective harsh punishment and poor parent modeling should be replaced by the use of effective brief non-aversive punishment.

How can I help myself as a parent of a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder?

• Organize a baby sitter at least once a week to give you and your partner the opportunity to go out.
• Give yourself some time to vent and moan about your difficulties with your child.
• Get regular exercise.
• Make sure you get enough sleep.
• Follow a balanced diet and avoid drastic diets.
• Try to not take too many things on at the same time.
• Avoid alcohol.
• Get a hobby to distract yourself.
• Limit the amount of TV, video and computer games in the house.

The prognosis for children with ODD is not all bad.  Some children simply out of it, whilst others’ diagnosis change to ADHD or Conduct Disorder. Unfortunately other disorders are common with children with ODD, it is unusual but about 5% of these children retain their diagnosis.

Conduct Disorder is often only the result of ODD when Opposition Defiant Disorder is already present when the child is 3 or 4 years old and the defiant behavior is severe.  It has been found that children with Conduct Disorder usually have a biological parent who is a career criminal.

As the methods of education changed, parents started taking into consideration the child’s level of insight and ability to control his own behaviour. With this change in perception, behaviours that was previously seen as dangerous, for instance thumb sucking and interest in sexual activities, are now seen as part of the child’s normal development. Rigid programmes for feeding, toilet training and play were exchanged for an approach in which the child’s personality and chosen form of self expression were taken into account. The trend is now to rather relax and enjoy the development of your child.  (Out of Menslike Ontwikkeling,  DA Louw)