It will be a relief to parents to know that psychologists now believe that our children are not born as a “tabula rasa” (a clean slate).  A clean slate put all the responsibility of how our children turn out, slap bang on us as parents. It is now commonly accepted that 50% of our child’s future is inborn in the form of genetic information that forms their temperament. I must admit that the responsibility as a parent still remains huge. Micheal Gurian said that it is the parents responsibility to “nurture the nature of the child to become successful in the world”.

Michael Gurian says that there are 7 aspects that should be looked at to realize what makes your child unique:

• Personality Traits
• Gender Traits
• Talent Areas
• Learning Styles
• Mood and Behavior Patterns
• Stress Responses
• Emotional and Relational Styles.

Your child’s temperament in combination with how he grows up will affect her health, relationships, occupational success and even spiritual life. It is therefore important the we as parents nurture our children’s uniqueness in order to give them the best chance in life.

The factors that will influence our children’s personalities are made up of:

• Genetic programming – we are born with a certain temperament. Temperament refers to the built-in traits that organize the way our child approaches the world.
• Parenting – Parenting styles, relationships with parents or even lack of this affects how our children perceives the world and therefore behave.
• Peer influences – Friends or lack of friends, plays a major role in children’s development. The quality of relationships formed in younger years form part of the foundation for future relationships.
• Random life events – Unplanned or even traumatic events can influence the way your child perceives the world and relationships. Divorce, abuse, death of a significant person, changing schools or even winning the lottery are all examples of events that could not have been foreseen.

A closer look at temperament:

Children differ on certain inborn characteristics. These characteristics can differ on a spectrum from mild to intense.

1. Activity level: This refers to how active or passive your child generally is. Some children are constantly on the run, whilst others are quite content to sit quietly in the corner reading a book.
2. Rythmicity: This aspect of temperament refers to how easily your child can adapt to a routine.  Does your child have a regular pattern of being hungry and sleepy, or are you constantly caught off guard with his lack of routine?
3. Approach – Withdrawal Behavior: This refers to how children to respond in new situations.  Some children are eager to try new things like activities, friends or even food, whilst others will be reluctant and somehow slow to warm up to the new situation.
4. Adaptability:  Adaptability refers to how easy or difficult it is to change your child’s behavior or reactions to certain stimuli.  Some children will fall into your set routine for them easily with no fuss, where on the other side of the spectrum another child might fight will all his might against accepting this change in his routine.
   
5. Persistence – Attention Span:  Children differ in their ability to stay focused on certain activities. One will be able to finish a complex puzzle, whilst the other one might give up after two minutes in search of something more exciting.
6. Intensity of Reaction: Tasting sour milk might evoke a loud “yukkk!” from one child or a mere frumpling of the nose from another one.
   
7. Distractibility: How intense must the distraction be to get a reaction from a child?  Certain children will stop what they are doing when a pin gets dropped, while others will need a big bang to get their attention.
   
8. Threshold of Responsiveness: How intense must outside distractions be for your child to react to it?
9. Quality of Mood: This refers to the general tone of your child’s responses. Some children just seem more up beat than others.
   

As I mentioned before, children differ on all these aspects and there is no right or wrong, better or worse.  Your child is the unique result of the combination the parents’ inborn traits.  Because your child is not a carbon copy of yourself, you sometimes will find that there are some temperamental issues that cause conflict between you and your child. If you are a very active person, your daughter’s passive approach to life might be a source of irritation. Knowing where you differ on temperamental traits, gives us as parents the insight and ability to approach our child in a more understanding manner.

If you view temperament as the cake, we can think of personality as the icing on the cake. Personality is the refinement of how we use our temperament in interacting with others.

Looking at your child’s personality:

How our children interact with their environment will influence their friendships, academic achievement, family life and also the activities they choose to take part in.  We can plot or childrens’ personalities on the following 5 dimensions:

• Openness to Experiences: Children who are open to new experiences are usually creative, original, curious and complex. They tend to be the daredevils.  On the other side of the spectrum (those children less open to new experiences) you will find the child who is more conservative and down-to-earth
  
• Conscientiousness: Conscientious children are reliable, well-organized and self-disciplined. On the other side of the spectrum you will find the disorganized and less reliable child.
• Extroversion: Extroverted children tend to be sociable, friendly, talkative and fun loving.  Introverts tend to be reserved, quiet and inhibited.
• Agreeableness: Children who on the one end of the agreeableness spectrum will be good natured, forgiving, sympathetic to others and courteous. They are cooperative and also compassionate. On the other end of the spectrum, you will find that the children are critical, rude, harsh and callous.
• Neuroticism: Neurotic children are nervous, high strung, insecure and a worrier. Children who show little neuroticism are calm, relaxed, secure and hardy.

Understanding where your child falls on these dimensions will help you to predict, understand and react to your child’s behavior in a more productive manner. Every child is entitled to be understood and unconditionally accepted for whom they are and what we are helping them to become.

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