Discipline

How to Deal with Back Chatting

By:
Published November 15th 2010, in Discipline, Parenting, Talking Back

Back chatting is probably an universal parental irritant.  It infuriates parents all over the globe every day. We see it as an undermining of our authority, whilst it is actually an assertion of your child’s independence.  Again, a milestone for our child, which feels like it is throwing everything that you achieved disciplinary wise up to now, upside down. You graduate from temper tantrums to only face back chatting soon…

How can we deal effectively with our children talking back to us?

  1. It is important to remember the power of modeling behavior. If you consistently speak to your child the way you want her to speak to you, it will become easier for your child to imitate good communication skills.
  2. It is important that both you and your child have the same understanding of what it means to “back chat”.  I think back chatting consists of two components.  The first component is repeating. This is when your child repeats the same request over and over again, despite the fact that you have already given your answer.  The second component is complaining.  Complaining about the answer or instruction you have given also counts as back chatting.
  3. As a parent you have to be able to ignore requests to change your answer.  If you give in to back chatting your child has won the battle, and will in future carry on until you give in again.
  4. Positive communication and acceptance of instructions and answers should consistently be praised.  Ensure that the positive attention starts to outweigh the negative attention that follows on back chatting.

We live in a society where we expect our children to express themselves as individuals, to give opinions and debate issues – we therefore cannot expect of them to behave differently in the house.  This does not mean that they can determine their own rules or not listen to us as parents, we are after all the authority bearers in the house.  I believe that parents should be willing to hear a child’s reasons for not agreeing with an answer or instruction out completely, before making a final determination.  As parents, we should also be big enough to admit and reconsider when our child’s arguments are valid and we find we did not think our answer through completely.  Lastly, we should have the determination to stick consistently to a well deserved “no”.

Certain rules should be adhered to when going into a discussion around a decision:

  • If your child is not happy with a decision, they are not allowed to become rude in any way what so ever.
  • No screaming, yelling and name calling is allowed under any circumstances.
  • Everyone should be allowed to finish their sentences.
  • No sarcasm is allowed from any party.
  • When the parent says that it is the end of the discussion, no more arguments or complaining will be tolerated.

Tips for dealing with back chatting:

  • Stop the conversation as soon as your child becomes disrespectful.  Walk away, come back later and enforce the consequences of talking back to you as parent.
  • Consequences can be time-out, fines, revoking of privileges or toys, etc.
  • Explain to your child why certain phrases are disrespectful – we should not automatically assume they understand phrases in the same manner as we do.
  • Sometimes it is helpful to give a choice, but then you have to refrain from allowing a third option.
  • Consequences of repeated back chatting should increase in seriousness.

Teaching your child these principles in the home, will benefit her in school, friendships, relationships and future employment.  Good luck, nobody said it was going to be easy!

Dealing with Sibling Rivalry

By:
Published November 13th 2009, in Discipline, Sibling Rivalry

If you have more than one child, or is even just pregnant with a second child, you will know what sibling rivalry is.  Sibling rivalry is the age old jealousy and fighting between brothers and sisters.  In today’s age with reconstituted families – with half and stepbrothers or sisters – we can even notice more conflict in sibling relationships.

I can recall from my relationship with my brother that there are some times when you are just the best of friends and other times when you fight constantly and can hardly stand to be in each others’ company.  Luckily the love was way stronger than the occasional hate and as grown ups we became especially close.  I would like my two daughters to have a similar relationship with each other that they will be able to cherish forever.  The question is though – how do I go about helping them to nurture their relationship?

Reasons for sibling rivalry:

  • Age: Children of different ages generally need  different things, for example a toddler might not be willing to share his toys with a younger sibling or be able to understand that an older sibling have expensive toys that cannot withstand bashing.  The evolution of needs lead to a lack of understanding between brothers and sisters which can eventually end up in a fight.

    • This Side Up Kids Furniture

  • Gender: Boys and girls are different even if we believe in gender equality! Girls might become jealous when Dad constantly plays rough games with her brother but are more gentle with her.  A boy might become jealous of all the time and attention that mommy gives to a little princess’s hair and wardrobe.

    • Home Choice

  • Individual temperaments: We are all born with our own temperaments which might either help us get along with each other or leave us at loggerheads.  A parent might find it easier to get along with one child, which could spark jealousy in the other.
  • Special needs: When one child in a household has special needs – illness, handicap, giftedness, the amount of time and energy spent on this child can reasonably lead to jealousy and resentment in the other ones.
  • Parents as role models: When parents handle conflict by screaming, swearing, hitting and slamming doors we can expect our little ones to handle their sibling conflict in a similar way.  We should try at all times to model good conflict resolution strategies.  It will be good for the marital relationship as well!

How to try and prevent sibling rivalry:

  • Children need to know some ground rules for acceptable behavior.  Rules should be specific for instance: no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling and no door slamming.  It is helpful if children has input into rule-making and also consequences to breaking the rules.
  • When you make sure that you as a parent spend some one-on-one time with each child the potential for jealousy becomes less.
  • Allow your child enough time and space for himself without siblings hanging around constantly. Arranging individual play dates gives your child the chance to play with his peers, while you can dedicate that time to his sibling.

    • Babylite

  • It is really important that children do know that they are loved, safe, important and needed in the family.  Children need reassurance that their needs will be met.
  • Scheduling fun family time gives the children time with the parents in a peaceful environment.  It provides everyone with the opportunity to get equal amounts of attention and social interaction with each other.
  • Do not ever compare your children according to their accomplishments – each one needs to know that they are special and can develop at their own pace.
  • Do not dismiss your child’s resentment or anger.  These are valid emotions and we can teach our children how to express them in such a manner that is productive in the situation.
  • Do not yell, swear, hit, lecture or let the fight escalate into a fight where one or both gets hurt.

How to deal with sibling rivalry when it happens:

  • Do not get involved unless absolutely necessary in order to prevent injury.  Children need to learn how to deal with their own conflicts effectively.  Stepping in every time might lead to a situation where you are seen as the savior or the mediator.
  • When you have to intervene, help them by resolving the crisis with them and not for them.
  • It is wise to separate the children and wait for them to calm down before attempting a resolution.
  • Do not focus on who is to blame for the fight.  Both parties are partly responsible.
  • Try and work out with them a solution that would leave both parties happy.  This can be accomplished with sharing the toys, or if not possible devising a game where they have to take equal turns in handling the specific toy, otherwise a whole new game might be suggested.

I truly hop this information will be of some help.  If you have some other ways of dealing with sibling rivalry, please let us know and we will post the suggestions!

Using Time Out to Discipline Your Child

By:
Published November 10th 2009, in Discipline, Using Time-Out

Since Super Nanny and Nanny 911 been introduced into our households on television, most parents with young children started using time-out as a discipline strategy in their houses.  Unfortunately most parents tend to give up after a while and things go back to the way it was before.  I do believe that time-out is very effective, and the only reason it does not work is because it is extremely hard work for parents to keep up.  It is not just hard work, but also frustrating!  Personally I find that yelling at my daughter for back chatting leaves me feeling better, but unfortunately it does nothing to change her behavior… 

What is the purpose of using time-out?

In my opinion time-out should be used to isolate the child from a rewarding environment, for example watching television, coloring, playing with friends.  The purpose of the isolation is to teach your child that undesirable behavior is not acceptable and will not be rewarded. Time-out is therefore used to decrease undesirable behavior.

Please do not think that time-out will force your child to reflect on what she has done.  That is wishful thinking on our part is parents.  Your child will probably be sitting in time-out wondering how long she still has to sit, what she is going to do afterwards and probably how much she dislikes you!

How do I choose the right “time-out area”?

The area you choose as the time-out area should be easily accessible.  In my house I have an area upstairs and one downstairs.  The reason for the two areas are that I will be able to monitor my girls while they are in time-out and not having to run up and down stairs the whole time.  It is a good idea to have a alarm or other timer visible to your child in order for them to see how much time is left of their time-out.  The areas do not provide stimulation in any form, in other words it is away from the television, away from toys and also pets or other distractions.  I do not believe it should be a room in which you close your child.  Closing a child in a room will eventually lead to fears that will be hard to eradicate later in their lives.

How long should my child’s time-out be?

It is mostly accepted that a child should stay in time-out for as long as their chronological age. Mantality For instance a two year old must stay in for 2 minutes and a five year old for 5 minutes. After 10 years I think that 10 minutes is more than sufficient.  Children with ADHD cannot sit still for long periods of time, I therefore feel that the time can be adjusted for them with the same end result.

So how do I give a time-out?

I believe that you cannot punish every little misbehavior with time-out.  You as a parent should decide which behaviors are really unacceptable and inform your child which behavior will result in a time-out.  When your child is informed of what behavior is not acceptable to you, they make the choice whether they want to deal with the consequences of their behavior or not.

Children, especially younger children, should be reminded that certain behaviors will not be tolerated.  I believe in giving one warning and if the behavior persists then just use the phrase: “Time-out for ….”  In our house usually “Time out for back-chatting”. My children know that there will be no discussion of this and time-out starts immediately.  Every time there is talking, noises, banging, etc. the timer will be reset.

After the time-out has been completed it is good to reassure your child that you still love them and it is the  behavior that is the problem and not them.  This does not have to be a long philosophical discussion, but can be achieved by a simple hug.  It is important though that she knows what she was punished for.  Praise for the desired behavior in the first five minutes really reinforces the desired behavior.

What do I do when I am not at home?

TIme-out is a punishment I use at home and not outside the house.  I found that threatening with a time-out that will take place only when you get home, loses its effectiveness, because the punishment is so far removed from the consequence in time.

The alternative punishments I use when not at home is:

  • Writing out:  Writing out the desired behavior is effective, for example: “I will not talk back to my mother when given an instruction.”  The sentence must be written out 5 times.  If she talks back again she must write it out 7 times, every time 2 sentences are added.  Tomorrow she will start back at 5 again.
  • List of nice things:  My children have a list of nice things they can do, when they disobey one of the items will be removed from the list, after one warning, for the rest of the day.  Just make sure that the punishment does not outweigh the offense.

Good luck – let me know if you have any questions!

Using Positive Reinforcement in Disciplining Your Children

By:
Published January 26th 2009, in Reinforcement

The behaviorists introduced the term of reinforment with Pavlov’s dog reacting in the desired way, drooling, when a bell was rang before receiving his meal. A stimulus was presented, the ringing of the bell when presenting his food, which led to the desired response of the dog drooling.  Eventually the dog would start to drool as soon as he heard the bell.  The stimulus presented with a reward led to the learnt response.

Stimulus + Reward → Response

This form of conditioning is referred to as classic conditioning.  Operant conditioning is in a sense the opposite where the stimulus or situation would elicit a certain behavior which would receive a reward or punishment.

Stimulus  → Response → Reward or Punishment.

Through the use of punishment and reward the desired behaviour is learnt and eventually internalized.  This is true of what we as parents refer to as disciplining our children.  We use the principles of reinforcement to teach our children what is expected behavior. The principles of reinforcement is as follows:

  1. If the child’s behavior leads to a reward there would be an increase in the behavior.
  2. If the child’s behavior leads to punishment there would be a decrease in the specific behavior.
  3. If the child’s behavior does not lead to either punishment or reward, the behavior would be extinguished.

When children notices the consequences of a certain behavior, whether good or bad, a mental link is formed which would either increase or prevent certain behavior. Unfortunately parents are negatively biased and tend to only notice the undesired or naughty behavior of our children.  As a result of this negative bias we have become a punitive society.

You would experience an increase in positive behavior and communication with your child when you start also reinforcing correct behavior.  Good behavior can be reinforced through simple measures like a hug, a pat on the back, praise, the opportunity to decide on tonight’s dinner or which television program will be watched by the family.

Disney Book Club

Simple charts with the child’s name on, put in a visible spot can be used effectively for reinforcing good behavior.  By putting a simple gold star next to the good behavior, your child will experience pride and a sense of success.  This works especially well with younger children.  Older children can also benefit through the use of charts, but a point system should be implemented, where after achieving a certain goal a reward is received.  It is beneficial to involve your child in the making of the chart using his favorite colors or themes.  Older children should be able to join in on the decision of which rewards they will receive.  It is important that it is reasonable rewards that can be given as quickly and often as possible.  Charts should not be used to punish children for bad behavior, rather institute other forms of punishment.

Central to positive reinforcement is the positive feedback that is given to the child. Praising a child for a certain action improves his sense of self worth and promotes self-confidence, especially if it is done consistently.  Consistency is extremely important to internalize behavior and to prevent confusion.  When punishing be certain to focus on the action that was done and not the person, for example:"I do not approve of you not picking up your laundry." Rather than "You are such a lazy slob!"

The process of reinforcement can be summarized by saying a certain situation would elicit an action that would either lead to reward or punishment when a behaviour is ignored it will disappear.

Vintage Flights, Rally driving, Spa days. Celestial Gift Experiences; delivering present-day gift solutions! Click Here

The Evolution of Discipline Strategies

By:
Published January 26th 2009, in Discipline

The methods of disciplining children have changed considerably over the decades. Severe beatings used to be the norm in Ancient Greece, and became common during the nineteenth century in Europe, America and South Africa.  In order to control the children more effectively, they were scared through ghost stories and other scary figures, for example the Boogie man.

As the methods of education changed, parents started taking into consideration the child’s level of insight and ability to control his own behaviour. With this change in perception, behaviours that was previously seen as dangerous, for instance thumb sucking and interest in sexual activities, are now seen as part of the child’s normal development. Rigid programmes for feeding, toilet training and play were exchanged for an approach in which the child’s personality and chosen form of self expression were taken into account. The trend is now to rather relax and enjoy the development of your child.  (Out of Menslike Ontwikkeling,  DA Louw)