Most parents will be able to describe their baby as one of these three temperament types:

• The Easy Child :  This is the child whose parents walk around with a smile on their faces the whole day long.  These parents cannot fathom why other parents burst into tears from frustration and tiredness, because their baby is such an angel!  This baby is able to easily adapt to her surroundings and is generally in a good mood.  About 40% of parents are lucky enough to report their babies to be “easy children”.

• The Difficult Child :  These parents basicly sleep walk and have dark rings under their eyes.  They often feel guilty for not enjoying their child and question their parenting abilities. This baby has irregular sleeping and eating patterns, finds it difficult to adjust to a strange environment, reacts intensely to any stimuli and cries alot.  About 10% of parents feel their child is “difficult”.

• The Slow-to-warm-up Baby :  15% of parents report that their baby falls into this category.  This child is inactive, reacts slowly or little to stimuli and is experienced by the parents as somewhat negative.

The remaining 35% of parents felt their children had a combination of behaviour patterns.

Temperament affects the relationship between the parent and the child and as a result of that also the bonding process between them.  Three different types of bondedness have been identified:

• Secure Bonding : This baby uses her mother as a security base from which she can discover the world.  When separated from her mother she will show unhappiness and will be delighted when reunited.  She loves physical contact from her mother, and when she comes into contact with strangers she will react positively when her mother is around.

• Avoidant Bonding : This baby seems unaffected when her mother is around, barely taking notice of her.  She does not become upset when her mother leaves and avoids her when she comes back. She doesn’t explore her world when they are together and seems indifferent to the presence of strangers.

• Ambivalent Bonding: This baby becomes anxious even before her mother leaves her.  When the mother does leave, she becomes extremely upset. On her return the baby behaves ambivalently – on the one hand she tries to make contact, while on the other hand she cries, kicks and hits her mom.  These babies are anxious and will not dare to explore their environment.  They do not like strangers even when their mother is present.

The way in which you bond with your baby is very important.  This is the first relationship that she forms in her life and it will affect future relationships.  The stronger the bond with the parents, the easier it will be for the child to leave her parents.  Babies also form important relationships with their fathers, siblings, grandparents and other care takers.

During the baby years, parents find themselves constantly scolding their baby and the word “no” seems to be a recurring theme.  This is the process of socialization where parents teach the young one what is right and what is wrong, what is expected from her and what is generally acceptable in their society.   The mother becomes the teacher.

Babies from as young as six months start interacting with their peers – they smile, touch and make little noises to communicate with each other.  These interactions are important in the socialization process.  Interaction between children evolves from being centered on a object like a toy to trying to elicit reactions from the other babies to being able to change roles with each other (for example giving toys to one another).

As parents we should foster our relationship with our baby and encourage positive peer interaction.  This should give her a good basis for future relationships that she will need to form through out her life.

Michael Gurian says that there are 7 aspects that should be looked at to realize what makes your child unique:

• Personality Traits
• Gender Traits
• Talent Areas
• Learning Styles
• Mood and Behavior Patterns
• Stress Responses
• Emotional and Relational Styles.

Your child’s temperament in combination with how he grows up will affect her health, relationships, occupational success and even spiritual life. It is therefore important the we as parents nurture our children’s uniqueness in order to give them the best chance in life.

The factors that will influence our children’s personalities are made up of:

• Genetic programming – we are born with a certain temperament. Temperament refers to the built-in traits that organize the way our child approaches the world.
• Parenting – Parenting styles, relationships with parents or even lack of this affects how our children perceives the world and therefore behave.
• Peer influences – Friends or lack of friends, plays a major role in children’s development. The quality of relationships formed in younger years form part of the foundation for future relationships.
• Random life events – Unplanned or even traumatic events can influence the way your child perceives the world and relationships. Divorce, abuse, death of a significant person, changing schools or even winning the lottery are all examples of events that could not have been foreseen.

A closer look at temperament:

Children differ on certain inborn characteristics. These characteristics can differ on a spectrum from mild to intense.

1. Activity level: This refers to how active or passive your child generally is. Some children are constantly on the run, whilst others are quite content to sit quietly in the corner reading a book.
2. Rythmicity: This aspect of temperament refers to how easily your child can adapt to a routine.  Does your child have a regular pattern of being hungry and sleepy, or are you constantly caught off guard with his lack of routine?
3. Approach – Withdrawal Behavior: This refers to how children to respond in new situations.  Some children are eager to try new things like activities, friends or even food, whilst others will be reluctant and somehow slow to warm up to the new situation.
4. Adaptability:  Adaptability refers to how easy or difficult it is to change your child’s behavior or reactions to certain stimuli.  Some children will fall into your set routine for them easily with no fuss, where on the other side of the spectrum another child might fight will all his might against accepting this change in his routine.
   
5. Persistence – Attention Span:  Children differ in their ability to stay focused on certain activities. One will be able to finish a complex puzzle, whilst the other one might give up after two minutes in search of something more exciting.
6. Intensity of Reaction: Tasting sour milk might evoke a loud “yukkk!” from one child or a mere frumpling of the nose from another one.
   
7. Distractibility: How intense must the distraction be to get a reaction from a child?  Certain children will stop what they are doing when a pin gets dropped, while others will need a big bang to get their attention.
   
8. Threshold of Responsiveness: How intense must outside distractions be for your child to react to it?
9. Quality of Mood: This refers to the general tone of your child’s responses. Some children just seem more up beat than others.
   

As I mentioned before, children differ on all these aspects and there is no right or wrong, better or worse.  Your child is the unique result of the combination the parents’ inborn traits.  Because your child is not a carbon copy of yourself, you sometimes will find that there are some temperamental issues that cause conflict between you and your child. If you are a very active person, your daughter’s passive approach to life might be a source of irritation. Knowing where you differ on temperamental traits, gives us as parents the insight and ability to approach our child in a more understanding manner.

If you view temperament as the cake, we can think of personality as the icing on the cake. Personality is the refinement of how we use our temperament in interacting with others.

Looking at your child’s personality:

How our children interact with their environment will influence their friendships, academic achievement, family life and also the activities they choose to take part in.  We can plot or childrens’ personalities on the following 5 dimensions:

• Openness to Experiences: Children who are open to new experiences are usually creative, original, curious and complex. They tend to be the daredevils.  On the other side of the spectrum (those children less open to new experiences) you will find the child who is more conservative and down-to-earth
  
• Conscientiousness: Conscientious children are reliable, well-organized and self-disciplined. On the other side of the spectrum you will find the disorganized and less reliable child.
• Extroversion: Extroverted children tend to be sociable, friendly, talkative and fun loving.  Introverts tend to be reserved, quiet and inhibited.
• Agreeableness: Children who on the one end of the agreeableness spectrum will be good natured, forgiving, sympathetic to others and courteous. They are cooperative and also compassionate. On the other end of the spectrum, you will find that the children are critical, rude, harsh and callous.
• Neuroticism: Neurotic children are nervous, high strung, insecure and a worrier. Children who show little neuroticism are calm, relaxed, secure and hardy.

Understanding where your child falls on these dimensions will help you to predict, understand and react to your child’s behavior in a more productive manner. Every child is entitled to be understood and unconditionally accepted for whom they are and what we are helping them to become.

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