What is the purpose of using time-out?

In my opinion time-out should be used to isolate the child from a rewarding environment, for example watching television, coloring, playing with friends.  The purpose of the isolation is to teach your child that undesirable behavior is not acceptable and will not be rewarded. Time-out is therefore used to decrease undesirable behavior.

Please do not think that time-out will force your child to reflect on what she has done.  That is wishful thinking on our part is parents.  Your child will probably be sitting in time-out wondering how long she still has to sit, what she is going to do afterwards and probably how much she dislikes you!

How do I choose the right “time-out area”?

The area you choose as the time-out area should be easily accessible.  In my house I have an area upstairs and one downstairs.  The reason for the two areas are that I will be able to monitor my girls while they are in time-out and not having to run up and down stairs the whole time.  It is a good idea to have a alarm or other timer visible to your child in order for them to see how much time is left of their time-out.  The areas do not provide stimulation in any form, in other words it is away from the television, away from toys and also pets or other distractions.  I do not believe it should be a room in which you close your child.  Closing a child in a room will eventually lead to fears that will be hard to eradicate later in their lives.

How long should my child’s time-out be?

It is mostly accepted that a child should stay in time-out for as long as their chronological age. For instance a two year old must stay in for 2 minutes and a five year old for 5 minutes. After 10 years I think that 10 minutes is more than sufficient.  Children with ADHD cannot sit still for long periods of time, I therefore feel that the time can be adjusted for them with the same end result.

So how do I give a time-out?

I believe that you cannot punish every little misbehavior with time-out.  You as a parent should decide which behaviors are really unacceptable and inform your child which behavior will result in a time-out.  When your child is informed of what behavior is not acceptable to you, they make the choice whether they want to deal with the consequences of their behavior or not.

Children, especially younger children, should be reminded that certain behaviors will not be tolerated.  I believe in giving one warning and if the behavior persists then just use the phrase: “Time-out for ….”  In our house usually “Time out for back-chatting”. My children know that there will be no discussion of this and time-out starts immediately.  Every time there is talking, noises, banging, etc. the timer will be reset.

After the time-out has been completed it is good to reassure your child that you still love them and it is the  behavior that is the problem and not them.  This does not have to be a long philosophical discussion, but can be achieved by a simple hug.  It is important though that she knows what she was punished for.  Praise for the desired behavior in the first five minutes really reinforces the desired behavior.

What do I do when I am not at home?

TIme-out is a punishment I use at home and not outside the house.  I found that threatening with a time-out that will take place only when you get home, loses its effectiveness, because the punishment is so far removed from the consequence in time.

The alternative punishments I use when not at home is:

• Writing out:  Writing out the desired behavior is effective, for example: “I will not talk back to my mother when given an instruction.”  The sentence must be written out 5 times.  If she talks back again she must write it out 7 times, every time 2 sentences are added.  Tomorrow she will start back at 5 again.
• List of nice things:  My children have a list of nice things they can do, when they disobey one of the items will be removed from the list, after one warning, for the rest of the day.  Just make sure that the punishment does not outweigh the offense.

Good luck – let me know if you have any questions!

Stimulus + Reward → Response

This form of conditioning is referred to as classic conditioning.  Operant conditioning is in a sense the opposite where the stimulus or situation would elicit a certain behavior which would receive a reward or punishment.

Stimulus  → Response → Reward or Punishment.

Through the use of punishment and reward the desired behaviour is learnt and eventually internalized.  This is true of what we as parents refer to as disciplining our children.  We use the principles of reinforcement to teach our children what is expected behavior. The principles of reinforcement is as follows:

1. If the child’s behavior leads to a reward there would be an increase in the behavior.
2. If the child’s behavior leads to punishment there would be a decrease in the specific behavior.
3. If the child’s behavior does not lead to either punishment or reward, the behavior would be extinguished.

When children notices the consequences of a certain behavior, whether good or bad, a mental link is formed which would either increase or prevent certain behavior. Unfortunately parents are negatively biased and tend to only notice the undesired or naughty behavior of our children.  As a result of this negative bias we have become a punitive society.

You would experience an increase in positive behavior and communication with your child when you start also reinforcing correct behavior.  Good behavior can be reinforced through simple measures like a hug, a pat on the back, praise, the opportunity to decide on tonight’s dinner or which television program will be watched by the family.

Simple charts with the child’s name on, put in a visible spot can be used effectively for reinforcing good behavior.  By putting a simple gold star next to the good behavior, your child will experience pride and a sense of success.  This works especially well with younger children.  Older children can also benefit through the use of charts, but a point system should be implemented, where after achieving a certain goal a reward is received.  It is beneficial to involve your child in the making of the chart using his favorite colors or themes.  Older children should be able to join in on the decision of which rewards they will receive.  It is important that it is reasonable rewards that can be given as quickly and often as possible.  Charts should not be used to punish children for bad behavior, rather institute other forms of punishment.

Central to positive reinforcement is the positive feedback that is given to the child. Praising a child for a certain action improves his sense of self worth and promotes self-confidence, especially if it is done consistently.  Consistency is extremely important to internalize behavior and to prevent confusion.  When punishing be certain to focus on the action that was done and not the person, for example:"I do not approve of you not picking up your laundry." Rather than "You are such a lazy slob!"

The process of reinforcement can be summarized by saying a certain situation would elicit an action that would either lead to reward or punishment when a behaviour is ignored it will disappear.

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