As many as one out of four children regularly refuses to go to school. For 2% of children school refusal becomes a routine problem. It is extremely frustrating to parents to have to deal with a upset child who does not want to go to school, in the midst of having to get everybody in the house washed, dressed, fed and on time for school. It seems that the more upset and demanding you become, the more reluctant your child becomes. It becomes a vicious cycle that gets repeated every day of the week. Weekends truly become something to look forward to!
We expect fears around going to school, when children start going to school for the first time (5 – 7 years) and again when they have to make the move from primary to secondary school (11 – 14 years).
Why would children refuse to go to school?
- Many children refuse to go to school, because they fear being separated from their parents.
- When a parent is ill, they may develop a fear of losing that parent while at school
- A child might feel overwhelmed at school, not knowing his way around and feeling lost
- Many children fear that they will be left at school – sometimes due to parents being unreliable and not picking children up on time or keeping simple promises.
- Children sometimes start to refuse to go to school when parents are separating, have marital problems, divorcing or constantly arguing.
- A death of friend or family member, can lead to a child refusing to go to school, because they are reminded of mortality and he fears losing his parents.
- Moving house can unsettle a child and lead to school refusal.
- Jealousy of a sibling staying at home can trigger school refusal. He might believe that his brother gets special treats and are being favored by his mother.
- When children have no friends they might refuse to go to school
- Bullies make some children refuse to attend school.
- Not getting along with teachers or classmates can trigger school refusal.
- When parents start to worry about school refusal, he starts to believe there is a valid reason for him not attending school.
These are only a couple of reasons a child might mention.
When should I become worried about school refusal?
There are 4 signs of School Phobia which should worry any parent or teacher:
- When a child is entirely absent from school.
- When a child will attends school, but always leaves sometime during the day before the end of the school day.
- When a child goes to school under duress from parents, but goes crying, clinging or throwing tantrums. This is worrisome if it is still present after an adequate adjustment period of 2 weeks.
- When unusual distress is visible to others whilst he is at school. This distress leads to him begging not to go to school the following day.
Children either internalize or externalize their anxiety about going to school. The children who internalize their fears become the little worriers who exhibit social anxiety, isolation, depression, fatigue and physical complaints.
The children who externalize their fears, do it by throwing tantrums, showing verbal and physical aggression or show oppositional behavior.
What can be done to help this child?
For children who avoid school because of friends, teachers or anxiety provoking situations can be treated in the following manner:
- Relaxation training: This will assist the child to lower their levels of anxiousness through different relaxation techniques.
- Gradual exposure to the school: Gradual exposure to the aspects of schooling that provokes anxiety provides the child to become comfortable one small step at a time.
- Self-reinforcement: These children need to learn to believe in themselves, they should have multiple experiences of success to boost their self-esteem.
Children who escape school because of uncomfortable peer interaction or poor academic performance, can be helped:
- Changing negative self-talk: Instead of constantly berating themselves, they should be taught to use self-affirmations.
- Role play: Parents can role play possible embarrassing situations with their child to show him how to come to a positive ending.
- Graded exposure: Gradual exposure to tasks involves breaking anxiety provoking tasks into small manageable pieces. Your child initially only have to greet a classmate, in order to form friendships at a later stage.
- Social skills training: Knowledge of some basic social skills will help your child to feel empowered and behave appropriately.
- Problem solving skills: Dealing with conflict effectively can help a child to avoid embarrassment and being the victim of bullies.
Children who avoid school to get attention from their parents or friends, can be helped through:
- Parent training: Some parents need to be trained not to reward negative behavior with attention and other rewards.
- Routines: Children feel secure with a set routine. Set the routine and do not get derailed or bullied to change it.
- Use rewards and punishments: Reward your child for attending school without a fuss and punish him for refusing to go to school.
Children who receive tangible reinforcement from outside school for instance, if he gets to stay home for the whole day watching television or playing games instead of attending school can be treated in the following manner:
- Incentive: Parents should increase the incentive for children to attend school.
- Punishments: Social and other activities should not be allowed if he did not attend school.
- Conflict management: Parents can benefit from knowing how to deal effectively with conflict with their child.
What is the difference between school refusal and truancy?
The most important difference between school refusal and truancy is that truancy is secretive and the parents are uninvolved in the absenteeism of their child. Truancy can be motivated by anger, attention from friends or even unaddressed learning difficulties. School refusal is motivated by anxiety and the parents are informed and involved in the situation.
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