Shyness

Helping my Child to make Friends

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Published November 18th 2009, in Development, Forming Friendships, Social Development

Forming friendships are  a very important part of growing up.  Friendship or the lack there of, can really make of break a child’s experience of school and boost or damage her self esteem. I found as a parent, that I often wonder and worry about the amount and quality of my two daughters’ friendships. We all want our children to be popular and well-liked by other children and their parents – but what can we do to assist our children to become a good friend to others? 

It is very important to realize that all children are unique and that their temperaments differ.  Two children growing up in the same house might differ completely on the introversion-extroversion continuum.  One might be a social butterfly, whilst the other one might always be hiding behind your legs at birthday parties.  We should celebrate their differences and help both of them to learn the necessary social skills they will need in the future and find their own B.F.F.

What can you as a parent do?

  • Teach your child what friendship entails. Children should know what is seen as friendly behavior and what not.  Gossiping is unacceptable and hurtful behavior. In order to maintain friendships, they should continuously work at it. Point out to your child when you notice she is doing something nice for example sharing her lunch with her friend.
  • Do not push your child to be popular. Some children will have many friends and others only few.  At the end of the day it is important for your child to have someone they can confide in and trust completely.

  • Encourage diversity in friendships. I think it is beneficial to children to have friends out of all walks of life.  A child does not have to only have friends in their class at school, there should also be friends at extra-mural activities and other social groupings. You can use your child’s interests to help her meet other children with similar interests.
  • Teach your child how to effectively express herself. When a child knows how to convey her feelings and thoughts effectively, she is able to be open and honest in her friendships.  Point out to her how her attitude and even appearance can either promote social interaction or prevent it.
  • Be a good listener. Listening to your child’s conversations gives you the opportunity to pick up when she is experiencing difficulties in her friendships.
  • Model good friendship behavior. Our children are always watching us.  When we have good friendships and maintain those friendships our children learn from us and copy our behavior. Hospitality is such an important skill to learn and we as parents should strive to always be hospitable – it is not only beneficial to our own friendships, but children learn how to make their friends feel at home and act in a friendly manner.

How can you help your shy child to form friendships?

  • Use every opportunity to build friendships based on what your child finds interesting.
  • Include brothers, sisters, cousins and other potential friends in your child’s daily routine.
  • Organize playdates, but keep them small and short.  Plan ahead and have activities which your child enjoys and is good at.
  • Embrace the latest fad, whether it is silkworms or stickers.  The fad is something that the children will have in common.
  • Be a play date to your child.  This gives you the chance to see how your child plays with other children and also gives you the opportunity to model correct behavior.

Good friendships will boost your child’s confidence and self-esteem, whilst a bad friendship will leave her feeling belittled and down.  As parents we cannot choose our childrens’ friends or interfere with all the fights, but we have to monitor and guide our children for their own benefit.

How To Help Your Shy Child

By:
Published January 26th 2009, in Shyness

Being shy is extremely painful for child and adult alike.  Luckily adults learn how to build their lives around their shyness, while children still need to learn how to cope with this debilitating fear.  Most shy adults will be quick to admit that they feel that they are not living a fulfilled life – they feel as if they are missing out on life.  Following this reasoning, we should try to teach our children to overcome shyness as far as possible.

What is shyness? Having experienced shyness first hand, I can tell you that being shy is a very uncomfortable fear of new situations, people and environments.  When you are shy you are constantly afraid of being judged negatively by other people and you tend to be oversensitive to criticism – sometimes interpreting harmless statements as stabs directed at you. This fear prevents you from making friends and joining in the activities you really want to be part of. It is heartbreaking to think that a little body and heart has to deal with such grown up (negative) emotions…

How do shyness come about? There are various factors that can contribute to being shy: Muz Online

  • Some children have a genetic predisposition to becoming shy, in other words it forms part of their temperament.

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  • Poor bonding between a parent and an infant can lead to a child with low self-esteem and poor social skills. These factors increase the likelihood that your child may turn out to be shy.
  • Parents who are shy are inadvertently teaching their child to interact with their environment in the same way. They are modeling shy behavior to their child.
  • Overprotective parents teach their children to be wary of new situations and people.
  • Constant teasing by brothers, sisters, parents or any other significant person in the child’s life can lead to low self-esteem and shyness.

It is difficult to believe that shyness is not all bad.  Shy children are more obedient than outgoing children, they listen more attentively in class and tend to try harder to achieve a desired level of work.  Fear of negative judgment is the driving force.

The negative consequences of shyness are that your child gets less practice in social interaction, has a fear of making new friends and finds it difficult to maintain friendships. Shy children avoid potential beneficial activities like sport, dancing and debate, because of a fear of embarrassing themselves. These children often feel lonely and left out, just adding to their low self-esteem and confidence.  Assertiveness is not a skill that these children possess.

How can we help our child to overcome shyness? Several strategies have been brought to the table to help parents help their children. No method is fool proof. This is a matter of persevering until you find what works for you and your child.

  • It is sometimes helpful to tell your child about times you felt shy and how you overcame those feelings of shyness. Emphasize how much better you felt after conquering your shyness and the benefits derived from it.
  • Describe the benefits of being more outgoing. These include having more friends, being able to make new friends, having more fun and being confident enough to participate in group-activities.
  • A parent must show empathy with your child when they are afraid to interact. Show that you understand that they are afraid and it is ok to feel afraid. Inform her that a lot of kids to feel the same way. Guide her to find ways to interact that would be easier.
  • Prevent other people from labeling your child as shy. Never refer to your child as being shy, rather say she is very out going with people she feels comfortable with. Labeling can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
  • Always praise your child for her efforts even if they are small. Boost her self-esteem and confidence will follow.
  • Set goals for her and measure her progress. Make it visible to her on a chart.
  • Be a model for her. Show her how you can comfortably interact with others, from adults to children. Nudge her to do the same, but never push.
  • Role playing with your child before entering new environments can be beneficial and take the edge of her fear, seeing that she already mastered it in a safe place.
  • Eliminate all teasing that breaks down her self-esteem. Something that you perceive as good-natured teasing can lead to deep-seated beliefs.
  • Never make an issue of her shy behavior, acknowledge fear but constantly praise progress.

If you feel your child’s shyness is becoming a problem of such magnitude that she seems depressed or starts to isolate her completely from her peers, it might be the right time to take her to professional.  Rather be safe than sorry.